The Homeland Security Apron

Can you afford not to own this apron? I think not. It's yours for just $42,123 (the average household's share of the national debt as of 5/28/10). Completely hand-stitched, it's a premier item in our false product line.

Click to enlarge, and/or see apron detail below.

Vital Information Crucial to Your Survival!

The body copy of the apron contains a range of how-to tips and savvy advice on making it through these terrorist times, from weapons in your kitchen to surviving a nuclear war.

Ravaging Hordes

Mix flour and water to form a thin paste and apply to face and neck. As it dries it will wrinkle your skin, making you look too old and ugly to rape.

Flaming Groovies

Gain a vantage point above your enemy (like your roof). Light one end of a plastic bag. Hold other end out over enemy's head so that flaming plastic drips and sticks on them.

Molotov Cocktail

Fill wine bottle with gasoline or lighter fluid. Stopper with a tampon. Light tampon string. Throw at enemy hard enough to break the bottle.

Nuclear Attack

Head for nearest body of water (if necessary use your bathtub). Completely immerse yourself and breathe through a straw.

Alien Vapors

Seal all doors and windows with gaffer tape. Bush says this will protect us.

Lethal Mail

According to the USPS, if you receive suspicious mail (lumpy or lopsided, no return address or unknown sender, excessive tape or postage): don't handle, shake, bump, or sniff it; wash hands with soap and water; call local law enforcement. 

Toxic Gas Balloons

Make "water balloons" but instead of water,  fill one with bleach and a second with ammonia. Firmly secure the two together at their tied ends with a rubber band. Throw balloon pair at your enemy with enough force to burst. Aim for the head.

Enemy Identification

Be vigilant—report any suspicious people. Wear American flag pin to identify yourself as a patriot.

Economic Collapse

When our currency crashes, use genuine silver dimes as negotiable tender.

Fully Stocked Supply Pockets!

Two supply pockets contain all of the equipment required to take advantage of the survival information above. Supplies include:

• Tampons

• Flour

• Plastic Bags

• Matches

• Straws

• Silver Dimes

• Rubber Bands

• American Flag Pin

• Gaffer Tape

Security and Freedom!

What Every Patriot Should Know

Are you a true patriot? Are your neighbors? Who can you trust in these unsettled times? How far are you willing to go to make this country safe?

Preserving Our Freedom: Left Apron String Copy

Freedoms we willingly sacrifice to preserve our freedom under the Patriot Act by allowing: racial profiling, arbitrary search and seizure, roving wiretaps, judge-less warrants, harassment of nonviolent activists, indefinite detention without cause, disregard of attorney-client privilege, warrantless access to medical, library, e-mail, student, and financial records.

Early Terrorists: Right Apron String Copy

What would Betsy Ross be sewing if she were alive today? Nothing—she'd be locked up in Guantanamo with other suspected terrorists and not allowed dangerous objects like scissors and needles.

Evidence of the Pervasive Threat: Apron Border Copy

Objects confiscated by U.S. airport security from 2/02 to 3/03: 1.4 million knives, 2.4 million sharp objects, 1,101 guns, 15,666 clubs, 125,000+ incendiary items, nearly 40,000 box cutters, a 15-piece cutlery set, a machete, kitchen sink pipe, circular saw, horseshoes, a trailer hitch, aerosol cans, hammers, hatchets, baseball bats, cattle prods, a little girl's baton, pool cues, meat cleavers, spear guns, ice picks, corkscrews, screwdrivers, bows and arrows, golf clubs, and a metal wall hanging of the Greek god Apollo.